Most people are wounded in some way, my parents were no different. My mother has many wounds and many insecurities, so when she gave birth to her first daughter she probably expected to feel something other than she did.
Not all mothers are able to connect with children. Some may have health issues and some may have been shown how to mother by someone who equally did not know how to love unconditionally. Who knows… all mothers are different, some do a fantastic job at loving, others simply don’t know how to love without conditions, because they never learned how to feel enough inside themselves.
Post-natal depression can also cause mothers to disconnect from their children and seeing the child each day can cause guilt issues which are then projected onto the child. We cannot change how we were mothered, but we can choose to re-mother ourselves at the right time in a new way.
When I was born it was in the early seventies when hospitals were very different. A new mother would spend a week in the hospital and be given time to rest and recover, unlike these days where it’s often in and out in a jiffy.
My mother was exhausted after childbirth so instead of laying me across her chest they took me away for many hours into a room where lots of babies lay there motherless, scared and probably like me, feeling a sense of abandonment. My mother never got the bonding time with me, but she’s not aware that this affected our relationship.
She was very good at cleaning me, feeding me, clothing me, but not so good at nurturing, loving or playing with me. In the early years, I believe she was so busy tending to my basic needs that once I became more vocal and more of a handful I became more a nuisance and hindrance than anything else to her.
When Envy and Jealousy Hit
However, my father doted on me. He loved me totally unconditionally. I was indeed the apple of his eye. He worked hard and my mother resented that she had to spend all day indoors with me as a child, even though she always had a choice to do other things.
To my mother, I was a huge threat to her relationship with my father. The attention I received she felt was a loss of attention for her from my father. I was the reason she did not have the care and nurturing she needed from him to fill her inner void. Because she was wounded and co-dependent on my father for all of her needs.
I learned it pretty early on that my role was different to most children. Even at the age 3, being a sensitive child meant I picked up on the true feelings of the adults around me. The feelings I received from my mother were that shining my light, achieving, succeeding and basically embracing my childhood with joy was not a good thing. This highlighted my mother’s own insecurities, she could not bear my happiness, she was envious of me from the moment I was born.
My Decision To Fail
So at age 3 I made the unconscious and conscious decision to fail.
- Hide in the dark
- Withhold my light from the world
- Do not succeed
- Make sure you look small and inadequate
- Do not be confident
- Do not be proud of your accomplishments
- Do not accomplish
- If you do accomplish downgrade it or do something to make it fail
In essence, I was to be my mother’s mother. I was not to be a child at all. My mother needed me to be small and especially to feel smaller than she felt herself because she felt very small and it made her feel better to know I was not succeeding. Not consciously might I add, she was totally unaware of what she was doing or being at the time. Her deeply unconscious wounded inner child was doing all it could to protect her fragile sense of identity and safety.
I became responsible for my mother’s happiness.
So I started this blog to share my feelings and journey from the darkness into the light.
I have a very busy blog elsewhere and as my family can see it easily I felt limited and needed some place I could honestly share this stuff that comes up.
Some days can be really hard.
I only realised recently how much I had held myself back from success in the outer world to give my mother what she needed.
My role had become someone who needed to make her mother happy and this meant withholding opportunities, success and abundance from my life because my mother judges wealthy and successful people very negatively. Her envy is so great that it passed onto me and I am moving through my own envy issues too on my life journey.
I hope that this blog can help others who are locked in the failure story and want to know how to move out and can see parts of themselves in my story as I share it.
I am 41 this year and it is time I came out from the closet and into the light of a new day.
Thank you for reading.